his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize