I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
