that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
