i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
