Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
