I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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