This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
