She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
