Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I looked at my own cervix.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
