Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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