my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
