my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I currently don't understand fingers.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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