bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
