also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
