I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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