New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize