One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
