We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
