I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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