But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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