cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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