I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
