we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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