Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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