just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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