i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
