Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
