I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
