): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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