He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
