Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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