You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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