listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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