The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
