can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
