guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
