Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
how do flat chested girls get laid?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
