On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize