I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
