ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
