Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Randomize
