I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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