i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
