and you said cock pushups were impossible
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
