Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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