Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
