At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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