it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I smell like Dick and happiness
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
