I haven't been this sober since birth.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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