dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
