My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
