I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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