She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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