He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
