My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
