Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
