Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He better not be in your backpack
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
