I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
bring money and cleavage
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize