oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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