my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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