he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
