This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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